“I love you and miss you so much” first said by my Dad in the past 20 years

4 of January, 2019

Enormous love of my Dad behind his “repetitive reminds”

Many times, looking at the old photos taken with my Dad, I could not help myself from bursting into tears. His wrinkle around his small eyes, his height has become gradually shortened for aging reason, and also for the effort & time-consuming work he must be in charge.

My Dad said as long as I would finish my current school, I could do whatever I like. He always considers my school as the best quality university ever in the country as all young people’s dream. He does not understand that assumption does not work on me.

The other day, for my first time to see his salary confirmation to apply for financial aid from my dream school, I cried as if I had never cried before, as if I was really a careless daughter. My Dad never feels calm until hearing my voice through video call on a daily basis. I tried to get used to facing our dry and boring conversations on phone which only surround study, eat, and healthcare. I know because Dad loves me and wants to know how I am but the feeling of annoying remains most of the time.

The moment I knew about his real payment per year, I thought I was a bad daughter not because I wasted money a lot but I did not know his hard work was paid back in such an unacceptable way. A man has spent his whole life moving around the country to build different power constructions for the development of the country. A man has to sacrifice his private life with his children and his wife for the bigger purpose that is his responsibility of work and of his family. And his 2 daughters have grown up with the primary absence of their Dad at home and gradually take it for granted and less either care about him or think about his tough time. My Dad deserves much better income and happiness. He has no choice but keep moving on towards the aging of the lifespan towards our growing up.

While I have not done anything for him, I have never said “I love you” to him until after his message today. I know I can not follow his expectation that it is enough for a girl to graduate school, find a job and get married a Vietnamese guy. I am not sure about my future and I still believe in my life principle, only regret about what I did not do rather than what I did. Therefore, I might now make Dad disappointed and worried, I will try all what I could to someday he can trust me. I am enjoying every moment of my life. And remember Dad has great affection, love and care for me thus think about him as a motivation and care for him as much as possible…

For me, talking to parents is so hard but I am on the way to make it through. I tried to step out of the comfort zone- the zone to be out of my parents’ mindset and avoid their questions.

Be brave, calm and open to my Dad’s heart…

Dad, my beloved Dad, be safe in a distant place and I have never stopped trying!