Wonders at home: What I know is I know nothing

29 June 2023

I love the wind. The wind is more abundant in my hometown than I was aware of. When we still had our open-air rooftop, I literally went up there every night, and every once in a while during daytime to breathe. It was my safe space to learn and dream over those stressful days in high school. I wrote about its importance to me in my notebook. 

I lied on the mat in the middle of our yard, looking up to the star apple tree and the infinite sky

I just realized how my house is designed to be eco-friendly to a great extent. Windows are connected for wind flow. If I open the window and my door balcony and windows, my room is a windy universe. I am so happy to be in this room, where I feel its transparency to the outside. I like to view the externality through the window lens instead of the main door. I feel intimate with strangers’ looks. Though they might not see me as clearly as how I feel. 

From my room, I can see straight to my high school campus. Big Nacre Tree (Cây xà cừ) have rooted stably for years, since before I was born. Colorful flags are flying on the same side. Today is the last day of the national exam for universities. It is a big day for this young generation and their parents. Some came to pick up their kids so early, and yesterday many were waiting in the rain. The feeling of those who are waiting must be not comfortable. 

Looking at the moving tree branches, my eyes get caught by the dragonflies right in front of the room. Signal of rain. There has been a drop in rain. We are lucky to have cool weather, unlike the Central and the South. It soothes anyone with the most annoying characters.

Just last week, my sister was at home, on an irritating day, and our mood blended in the weather. The air felt as if it never moved. We frowned many times. I wish to be with her more often, on these kinds of days. We can hang out and have better conversations.

Mon and Linh

The freshness of yesterday's rain lingers. Even such loud drilling of our construction work downstairs doesn’t annoy me, by surprise. I thought I would have disappeared during these 4 noisy days. I really appreciate the nearby mountains, trees, and country roads. 

the hill and paddy fields that I am always proud of

On the ride at dawn, I thought of lowering the bike seat and cycling around the village in the afternoon. Why didn’t I think of this idea earlier? I still have 3 more weeks at home!

I’ve learnt about the complex affairs among someone I know. I wonder if such a conflict can be reconciled? As I understood better the emotional needs of humans when they are lonely and need love. I know she stays emotionally connected to someone. I no longer have hatred for those who are committed in a relationship but still have certain feelings for others.

There are no boundaries for the heart to fall in love. (me)

What’s said as ethics, is the norms, I respect. But there are relationships that are truly important and started earlier than the other commitment. If meaningful, I think people will keep nurturing the bonds even if they have gained a new status. 

As I discover more complexities in myself, I want to step back to review my teaching interests. When I don’t manage to facilitate well, my confidence in using my language to deliver lessons decreases a bit. Meanwhile, I have a passion to learn together with others, which is also a great benefit of being a facilitator. Being able to learn sounds happier than being the expert to talk about certain subjects.

The hardest subject in this life is “self”, from my view point. Books or lectures from the wisest person on earth might not cover enough nuances to decode the self. Every single person is unique. The more I read and discuss, the more information I absorb and forget at the same time. Then I’ll question and recall knowledge in my associative networks. Yet, I still have little concrete understanding of anything. 

“What I know is I know nothing.” Why do I suddenly feel this way?