We have many choices to make.

11pm. 28.03.2020

I could enjoy a carefree life. I could spend my family’s money without doing any parttime job. I don’t need to create any club for my highschool and have no one to care about. I could spend time watching hours of movies. I could focus on my studying only. I could eat snacks and spend money on shopping. But that stuff is never me. I prefer a life of suffering, desire, working hard and playing hard. It’s not extremely fun but it is worth my time to think, to learn, and to act. It is a U journey of ups and downs.

A plan will forever be a plan if the commitment to act is lost.

My mentor taught me this on our weekly call. She has witnessed the a crux of her work transition from education to business. She truly believes in the power of asking questions, learning and taking actions. That’s how I am inspired. Today I am communicating this with some of the members of my club. I can’t blame the recruitment process as there are many factors affecting ones’ attitude. I observe the entire 3 months and find out their readiness on the mission. We don’t need to speak much, express much. We have the goal, and we plan just enough, then make it happen. People come and go. That is part of life. We are excited to meet each other at first, when time’s gone by, we depart for different directions. It should be fine if we set a clear line in the first place. It is not ok if we throw words to prove your attitude and we never act. It is sad to see their leaving. We were once together. We split. And we have to move on. It’s good that we know each other’s clarity of thought. It’s a testing time for everyone. We are all on the boarding time.

How plan hardly works?

The leading team of my club has been working hard to prepare for the first gathering event organized by themselves. They were so excited to make it go offline and one day before that day, the whole school was announced to stay online. It was abrupted. They didn’t give up, converted everything into a virtual one. They made it real. It was such a normal online event but for them, and me, it is a turning point of their leadership, and their actions.

I am assigned to build a networking plan for PDP course (Personal Development Program) by Ajarn Stephane. My firm idea is “I really don’t have any specific plan for networking because there are a lot of events which happen in the future and I can’t foresee my destiny. Networking is also a matter of building trust and understanding people’s personality so plan does not always work. It depends on what type of people I could meet and the timing factor also decides if the networking opportunities can flourish. Whether I could establish a reliable network of people is of uncertainty to be prepared at the moment…” Unfortunately, it’s not accepted because there must be some strategic plan to get ourselves prepared. I agree but I don’t think my plan will be a thing. We plan things out, things don’t work in reality and we have to change. It’s about the ability to adapt and cope with the uncertainty over the process of networking or whatever occupation.

It’s like how a course is well-structured till students were doomed to meet Ajarns’ expectation because of their laziness. Taking my group as an example in the course “People, Groups and Networks”, we requested Ajarn to shift the subject of an assignment informed way earlier in the last minute. One of our reasons is we haven’t started doing anything which has nothing to do to make our request convincing but confirm our poor responsibility. Planning is affirmed by attitude as well. We fixed our mistake by putting sensible thoughts on our actions and pushing each other to complete the work by the due time. We are flexible, and see, plans don’t work.

Lost of compass

Life compass is self-directed but can be controlled by external reasons. The 2 weeks working at home make not much different compared to my pace of work normally. I still work on my computer to research, do literature review, do online classes, assignments, meetings, calls, planning and write stuff on GG Drive, journaling, watch movies, singing. Luckily enough, I got some reading materials printed to reduce the reading time from the digital screen.

I was ashamed when I read the manuscript written by a person I respected. I raged a sense of self-blame as what I tried to find doesn’t seem to fit his work. It is the difference between our intellectual capacity. I don’t know if I deserve anything. I don’t know if my time spent is worth for this project. Every morning, I am mindful to be stretching my body and I don’t expect to end a day with exasperating feelings. But I have a reason, a drive to be committed to this work. I must survive by myself.

What does Consistency mean?

It’s not easy to read one’s personality. A friend I knew recently told me to have a “consistency blood”. It is true to some extent. I doubt that on myself many times whether I want to do this and why I am doing this. Even for a thing that is thought to be essential, I don’t seriously spend time on it. Or I am forcing myself to cover a couple of jobs thus why I prioritize other things. It’s all about making a choice. We can make different choices, not that we have no choice to make.

I have parked at the first one-third of “the Book Thief”. I guess I the Book Thief is a girl with true consistency-blood to learn how to read and learn about the world. Regardless of any discrimination, despise around her life, she finds her gut to find books to grow herself. I was born much luckier than her, I have more opportunities to own books and immerse in reading without any intervention. I should make use of this privilege more. I only live once.

March is gonna be over soon. Every plan of mine is a blur. It’s fine as long as I keep acting. Hope for a new month of happiness, gratitude and actions.

#acceptance

#connection

#ambiguity