Reflect on my anxiety

Aoyumi Jung
Nov 5, 2022
6 min read

Updated: Nov 9, 2022

05.11.2022

I will spend quality time reflecting on myself today. I haven’t done this for quite a while. I have joined different events over the past month such as an Edtech event, a First-Aid training, academic projects… In a series of different atmospheres, purposes, and workplaces, I reached little learning curve. I guess the amount of time wasn’t sufficient to tap into my interest, my attention is dissected into various directions. I have traveled very often, as my natural lifestyle. Ironically, the moments leaving an impression on me are this philosophical reflection, and the times I made mistakes and handle things differently. If I follow common patterns of communication and work, I don’t learn new things. So I try to do exceptional stuff to reinforce my learning.

I read about anxiety in “School of Life”. It says that anxiety exists in every individual, who even doesn’t appear to be anxious lives with it as much as I do. The hard part is to embrace it, knowing that it is fundamental to human beings.

Holding anxiety is a positive sign of us trying to navigate our lives in a disordered and uncertain world.

I bought an English book, only ones worth spending... Because I need to learn about emotions.

I was so confused about my emotions.

I felt sentimental about small things, out of a sudden. I was curious to look at how a blind boy processed an online transaction at a food stall. He held his phone close to his ear, pressing buttons a couple of times, and it was done. I was surprised by their intelligence, and how they could sort out the tech by their hearing ability. Last week, I visited the “Purple Parade”, the 10th Anniversary of the event which aims to recognize the abilities of people with disabilities in Singapore.

Inspiration from people with disabilities!

My friend’s aunt encouraged me to start this in Vietnam. The event started out with a small group, overtime, attracting a large public, and especially the support of the government. It was my first time seeing many types of performance, services, and products that are skillfully done by the disabled. They are talented individuals who just need the right environment to be in, and who need facilitators to shine. To connect the observations, I appreciate my physical health once again.

I need my spiritual energy to be more conscious.

It is such the right time to have some conversations with my spiritual friends, and my boyfriend. I have been unsure of many aspects on a personal level, and I need to bounce back my anxiety and have my lost star stand and observe my feelings.

Wu Guanzhong's exhibition in Singapore National Gallery, my favorite place

The universe, I think you can hear me, I wish that my parents are healthy, my future will be full of adventures, and I will be alright. I wish to do things I love and be financially independent. I wish to keep the connections with good people I have known. I wish to stay at peace and my heart smiles every day. Even if I have to fake my smile, I should be happy because of such.

4 months ago, I was at this stage. I come back to the crisis of future uncertainty. I have received lots of rejections of jobs, and also my choice of certain experiences, I welcome them. I learned how to not expect too much so there is no suffering. I learn to understand everything happens at the right time. I was so grateful to reunite with my good friends in Singapore, the very unique Singaporeans I ever met, and who treasure quality relationships, and do things for social goods. I am grateful that my boyfriend trusts me wherever I am, whoever I meet, I am an independent and respectful girlfriend. He let me do things I love, and he encourages me to go for jobs I want to do, place comes after we find the jobs we love.

“I am good at taking care of people, jobs like HR or working with young people”, my boyfriend said. I also heard that I am good at coordination job. I feel like doing that as well to be the communication bridge among people. I start looking for jobs again, and just by reading the description, I translate the work experience by my imagination. I haven’t seen anything that truly hit my curiosity and passion.

I look forward to a job that sparks my mind. I look forward to an Aha moment when I will say “Shit, this is where I want to be”.

This is a piece of writing about my aspiration: "Teaching students about global citizenships, support to enhance self-efficacy, self-esteem, explore potentials through design thinking and experiential education. Besides, I like to work in the Hospitality industry where I can provide good service and happiness to my customers. The hospitality company should value community, human experience, and ecology. I also want to diversify my skill sets to have different sources of income for a comfortable life. The thing I am not yet capable of is gaining passive income. All of my jobs right now are based on my capability and efforts which don’t regenerate." Sometimes, I still reflect on this and ask whether this is still my goal.

In Ajarn Neil’s class on cultural dimensions, one memorable activity is to draw different circles describing the connections of our past, present, and future.

It is to visualize how I perceive time, and which period of time is important for me. It is true that the future plays the biggest role in my life, but I don’t want it to worry me too often. I want to put it aside, and immerse myself in the present. I will share this reflection in class. Although my past is a small circle, the majority of myself has been constructed by my past experiences, which is undeniably vital. My past entails my childhood, my trauma, my schoolmates, my old houses, my old neighborhood, places I used to go, games I played with friends, and dreams I had. They are invisible but partially underlying in different things I do in my adulthood.

Every choice is traded off for another choice.

I carefully think to select one that matters. I will go for a hike at the beginning of December. A hike where I will immerse myself and dialogue with my soul somewhere in the mountain. Who comes will come.

The most difficult thing I have learned is not to control my beloved one. They do things for their reason, I will reason out my opinion, and it is up to their decision. We have to respect one another’s space, and move on.

Some weeks ago, I was crying thinking about the goodbye to my academic advisor, the person I admire so much. I felt it is the goodbye to an important part of my growth. In my walk of life, I have met many people who I called educators. This person does not know how much he has inspired me. Just like I admire my idols who never know my existence. I am happy to follow and observe their movements, and especially cheer for them. I am happy just looking at them from a distance. When I look up to some people who I can’t touch, I do my best to become a good person to deserve to be their fan. Then, shortly after that night, I met my teacher at a random public place, and I burst out into joy. I came to say hi, it was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen from him. I think he must be really happy about his next journey.

We won’t be strangers.

I like to learn about city planning thanks to my academic advisor. And Singapore is a role model...

I took a Wilderness First-Aid Training course required for my outdoor education job, for 20 hours consecutively, which might take me 200 hours of research and application to fully understand how things work. My instructor has been all over the world to do rescue work in backcountry regions, and also as a firefighter somewhere. He exposed me to lots of bloody scenarios that I always hold myself back from confronting them.

I must step out of my comfort zone, and without a confrontation, I won’t ever grow. So, I did that.

I was again the youngest learner in that class, all others are teachers at a prestigious international school who teach and also go about sports and physical activities passionately. I am small in terms of body and brain.

Learn how to analyze patient symptoms, and identify evacuation plan...

This blood couldn't be more real and my mum was shocked hahahaa.

I did enjoy the course so much, I think it is my beginning to continue doing more healthcare studies and practices. I learned to embrace the physical trauma of my heat allergy, and stress has added to the pimples. I have thought of my appearance these days, I learned to love the abnormalities. Pimples are natural, we can’t control them, so why worry about them too much?

It comes and will go.

I also learned not to talk about what I will do in a week’s time, or in the future so that I am able to engage fully in the present. I mentioned my plan intentionally to remind myself and my partner of how much time we have left. Then, I realize it is better not to mention anything coming, so we can go with the flow authentically, and spontaneously.