Intellectual or sexual desire?

I am so lost and I just want to dive in words.

04.02.2020

I am lost every 2 days. I reached the maximum level of focus in both morning and afternoon. But then I have slashed to somewhere. I read an article saying that when humans engage more into intellectual world, they are less likely to be attracted by sexual desires. But these are both affected by emotions. What distinguishes humans from other social animals is partly emotions which convey in many forms. We might respond by actions, but also can express them by thoughts, by writing, by looking at objects. If the intellectual jobs bridge me to spark emotions and imagination, I would go for it, at large. Contradictorily, the reality is not always under our control, or whatever boundary might be set. There are many cases exemplified in fairy tales teaching us that sexual desires can be a challenge to test a person’s ability to reach the goal. The more he can resist himself from the beauty of women, the higher chance he can succeed. The fact, unfortunately, happens more towards the other direction. Humans have a brain with incredible storage, and, neurons that support our life-long learning to the best extent. Yet the brain can still lose after the heart. Emotions console our souls and other souls in a way that relationships can be easily established. Very often, emotions disappoint our own behavior as well. It is too powerful to be handled. It is intangible, for some reasons, it creates such scary tangible consequences. This piece of journal is also made by emotions, and intellectual at the same time.

Today I enjoyed the lecture “Social Inquiry and Assessment” so much. Although the lecture itself is so extensive and academic, for me, I am a memory person. I love looking back at my own memories, my past to re-learn and unlearn. Ajarn Tao turned history into some lovely topic to talk about and to think of.

I took History courses from 11 up until 17 y.o. Then I don’t think we have ever asked what history is. We just got ourselves forced to capture the rigid knowledge overtime, without questioning why the achievements are too perfect, etc. In the end, investigating something that is already gone is to reflect and discover new things. History covers the past. “History gives a window to the past.” (Ajarn Tao) History was saved because of evidence. History, however, will be fragmented permanently. No matter how it might be recorded, every single past event will pass by, left vaguely somewhere in our huge brain. And I want to ask, what is your history?

I am so lonely. I don’t want to learn Thai now, I don’t want to read book now, I don’t want to learn anything now. The loneliness approaches, the mood gets spoilt. The time is too harsh. Humans are harsh. Nature is miraculous but no exception for being harsh. It makes me so lonely. Words come harshly, too, but I love nature with the best of myself. Thanks for being beside me when I am lonely.

#wander

#lost

#loneliness